Communicating With Those We Love

I have always heard people give the advice that "Communication is Key" in relationships. But what I have found from the relationships in my life that I observe or am a part of is, communication is so complicated and difficult. It seems that to fully understand what someone means, we have to go through a sometimes long process in our heads to decode their messages. There are three parts of communication that seem to play into this complicated decoding process that we all take. I learned this week that the actual words said in interactions with others only makes up 14% of the communication between two people. 35% percent of communication comes from the tone that the words are expressed in and the remaining 51% of communication comes from non-verbal communication. I can see the importance of being fully present when we are striving to communicate with others. Because so much communication is not coming from our words, we need to be consciously aware of the other parts of communication that may influence the outcome of a discussion between those we interact with. 

I learned this week that there are 5 stages that can be used to accomplish effective communication. I would like to briefly describe these 5 stages and describe the importance they have in making our communication more impactful. 

1. The first stage is called the disarming technique. This is when you find the truth behind the thing that is being brought up in conversation. In essence, this is a way to take a step back when something is brought up to make sure we understand the true meaning of what is being said. Often we tend to hear something that is being said about us and immediately become defensive. This disarming technique is a way for us to not put up those walls and rather humbly analyze the truth of the statements. 

2. The second step is called empathy. This is when we recognize how the other person may be feeling. There are two ways we can do this. One way is to understand how they may be feeling and the emotions that they could be feeling. You also could recognize that they are thinking a certain way based on what they are saying. This is often a good step because it makes the other person feel understood and it may also be good for you to take a step back from being defensive and understand that the other person has feelings that should be considered as well. 

3. Inquiry is the third step. This is when we ask if we understand how the other person is feeling. It is important that we fully understand how they feel before moving forward in the communication process. 

4. Next we should share an "I Feel" statement. This is where we have the opportunity to share how we are feeling. Often people in this world tend to use should statements. "You should do that," and "You should not do that" are examples of ways we may use that phrase. We need to take the focus off what the other person should do, and understand how each of us is feeling. Instead of focusing on how the other person is wrong, "You are so rude," focus on how you feel because of the other person, "I feel hurt because of that thing you did." This has the potential to completely change how the direction of an argument or even just a normal interaction with someone can go. 

5. The final step is called stroking. This is when we recognize and vocalize something that we authentically admire and appreciate about the other person. This does not mean you make something up or lie about something that you appreciate. This should be genuine and truly address something about the other person that you admire and recognize even through hard times. 

I believe in these five steps. I also believe that they are so challenging to implement in our lives. I just learned about this model 3 days ago and I feel that I have been able to shift some of my interactions with those that I love. I want to be a more effective communicator and I understand that this could be a massive first step to accomplishing that. It takes time and effective communication would seem to not be necessary. I also know that this will be such a useful tool to pass on to my kids one day. Teach by example and share what we know and love!